


Into Existence

by MissTinfoilHat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abused Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Neglect, Dark, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drugs, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pianist Erwin Smith, Prostitution, Violinist Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), other characters to be added too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27691609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissTinfoilHat/pseuds/MissTinfoilHat
Summary: A Levi-centric modern(ish) AU about Levi's life, from growing up in a small room at a brothel with his mother to him being the violinist in an underground folk-rock band with a crush on the classical pianist virtuous, Erwin Smith.I haven't gotten to the point where I feel like I can provide a proper summary to this fic yet; so just give it a chance if the tags and whatever I concocted for the summary appeals to you.
Relationships: Kenny Ackerman & Levi, Kuchel Ackerman & Levi, Levi/Erwin Smith, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 31
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is sooo premature to post but I can never wait until I have a few buffer chapters. I am not sure if all the tags apply to this fic yet, but I don't want anyone to get into this and realize that they get triggered by its contents five chapters in. This will have a time-laps eventually, just so ya'll know.

Kuchel stared at the two red streaks glaring back at her. Never had such a pale, insignificant-seeming little thing promised such a major impact on her life. Her years had been far from easy; quite the contrary in fact, but this; _this_ was something else entirely.

_Something- someone- was living inside of her. Eating off of her, breathing off of her. She was forming a life without even trying to._

In her seventeen years, she had never had to take care of anyone but herself. Especially since her older brother deemed their homelife unbearable and took her with him. Their mother had worked most of the time and when she wasn't, she was usually drunk, angry, and oblivious to the fact that their deadbeat step-father did nothing but.

_Nothing but drinking, and visiting Kuchel's bedroom in the evenings._

They had fled to the city together but Kenny had quickly formed a life of his own of narcotics and crime. Eventually, she'd been alienated to the point where she was pretty sure her older brother had hardly noticed that she ran off.

As a homeless fourteen-year-old, the transition into prostitution had been so seamless that she hardly even knew what she was before she finally moved into the small room in the brothel and had her first client. The madame in charge had spotted her flirting with wealthy-looking businessmen outside of a hotel and offered her a place to stay, apparently out of concern.

It had been three years since then. Three years of sex, drugs, abuse, abuse, and more abuse.

And now, she was bringing someone else into her depressing life.

The following weeks, she tried to get rid of it. She had heard talk about her coworkers _“fixing it”_ with a wire hanger, but she had no idea how. She had tried but apparently failed as her small bump kept growing. She tried throwing herself down the stairs, suffering a concussion and a sprained wrist in the process but the little bastard still hanged on. She drank obsessively and kept up her drug habits throughout, but the baby was determined to live.

_At some point she started to care about it, the little trouble maker inside her tummy._

Fortunately, her thin, young body didn't gain much weight during the pregnancy, and she was able to keep it a secret from her bosses and take customers as normal throughout. She only shared her predicament with her closest ally, a slightly older girl named Andrea.

Once the time came, it was Christmas day. The snow was falling serenely outside as Kuchel started to feel waves of agony making her lower back seize. She had called for Andrea, voice breaking from tears and panic and the blonde-haired nineteen-year-old had rushed to her and helped her through her twelve hours of labor. Kuchel's screams had been muffled by a pillow, blood being soaked up by a towel on the floor and the blue baby-boy that arrived with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck was quickly freed and turned around, rocked up and down on a steady knee until finally, he let out a furious cry.

All creaks were boarded up by pillows and blankets, making the room as muted as possible. Andrea put on a crooked and scratched record she didn't recognize, a green frame with a man holding two horses, onto the broken record-player that sounded slightly like cats screeching, a noise commonly coming from Kuchel's room as it was the only record she owned.

Both Kuchel and the baby were crying as Andrea laid the baby, who was slowly gaining a natural pallor onto her chest. Kuchel hadn't even thought what she would name him until Andrea asked with a warm, comforting smile curving her lips.

Surprisingly, the name came to the young mother instantly. If anyone ever asked her about the true origin, she would simply claim that she had always liked that name. The reality was much different.

_The first thing she bought with her self-earned money, was a pair of Levis jeans. It was still her favorite piece of clothing and, despite the new hardships facing her, it represented her freedom.  
  
_

* * *

_  
_ The two young women shared responsibility for the boy the first year and a half. They tried their best to manage their schedules so one could take the baby while the other met with a customer. But after that first year, Andrea had fallen ill. The pale skin that usually shone like a nice winter day against her bright blonde hair slowly turned gray, and her curves were slowly diminishing into a paperlike cover over her protruding ribcage, collarbone, and hips. Her cheekbones had concaved in skeleton-like, and for weeks she withered away in her bed.

Soon enough, Andrea was no more. No one talked about it- like usual when one of the girls in the brothel died. They just disappeared as if they never existed. The madame that had seemingly cared so much about the fourteen-year-old Kuchel when she arrived never showed her face around the house unless it was to warmly introduce another unfortunate soul to the rest, give them a room and then leave them alone to be preyed upon for years to come until they could pay off the depth of their room cost, food, alcohol, and drugs _(which would be never, considering what they earned per customer.)_

At that point, Levi was a painfully skinny one-year-old with a shock of black hair and eerily steel-gray eyes. Kuchel had lost her milk early, so Levi had never gotten enough nourishment, leaving him sickly. Yet, he never cried. At least, not until Andrea died. Even then, he hardly made any sound at all.

The painfully small child sat by the closed door to the hallway as Kuchel rested, tiny fingers brushing against the wooden frame. Large eyes looked back at his mom when she asked what was wrong and he mouthed a soft, “Rea.” Kuchel forced back the warmth prickling at the back of her eyes at the loss of her dear friend as she got up, moving over to where her son sat distraughtly and brought him into bed with her. She soothed his hair back, cooing comfortingly as he cried soundlessly into her pillow until they both fell asleep.

* * *

Without a trusted confidant and all alone, Kuchel was left with no other choice than to teach Levi how to hide. She knew what happened to the children born in this place; they were either killed or sold, and at a high price at that if they proved to be attractive enough. As much as Kuchel hadn't hoped for an ugly child, it still pained her that Levi, despite his malnourished appearance, clearly was growing up to be an astonishingly handsome boy. His white pallor contrasted beautifully against his jet-black hair, and his gun-smoke eyes were absolutely captivating.

She knew he looked like her, despite the fact that she had never deemed herself beautiful. But, her baby boy truly was, which was why it was so important to keep him a secret.

From that day, Levi would spend his nights in her closet. She always made sure to keep her favorite record playing, Heavy Horses by Jethro Tull, all through the night to soothe her boy. Except for the few nursery rimes Andrea and she remembered between them, it was the only music her son had ever heard.

In the daytime, he would watch the record player as if in a trance, bobbing his tiny body to the sound of Ian Anderson's scratchy vocals and beautiful harmonies, the playful melodies of his flute, and the violin that made Levi's eyes spin on the record's title track.

It was with dread and painful aches in her heart she opened the closet door each morning. Most days of their first year without Andrea, Levi would be sleeping soundly, curled in on himself in a stack of her dirty clothes. But, as he grew older, she would more often than not find him clutching his small hands to his ears while he hummed quietly to himself.

At the age of four, his quiet nature was no longer comforting as much as it was terrifying. The apathy and world-wariness that strung onto the child had no place in such a young body, but there was nothing Kuchel could manage to do about it. Her youthful appearance was rapidly declining as the small bruises on her arms increased in numbers. There was always a bottle of wine on her nightstand, and whenever she wasn't high, she slept to keep the abstinences away. She had stopped looking in the mirror and her favorite Levis jeans hung loosely around her emaciated hips. She didn't even have boobs anymore, which was one of her biggest frustrations. Who the fuck would want her if she looked like a little boy?

Levi quickly learned when it was safe to talk to his mother and when to keep quiet. He had even taken to crawling into the closet willingly if her pimp refused her fix. He'd learned it once he'd been fuzzy and hungry, and she had sent a bottle flying at the back of his head. Now, he would only crawl up to her when her eyelids were droopy and distant, voice garbled and incomprehensible. And, as soon as night came, he put on his record and went back into the darkness in the closet, rocking himself to sleep.

Levi carefully pried the window open, sending a quick glance towards where his mother was still sleeping, cringing at the hairy, bare ass peeking out of the duvet by her side. Normally, her clients wouldn't sleep over, but the fact that one did, meant that his mother must have fallen asleep first. But, Levi refused to sit in that dark closet a moment longer, breathing in the sour stench of old alcohol and sweat. Also, he knew that if he waited too long, he wouldn't get to go outside today.

Their room was on the third floor, but had an emergency ladder outside the window, fixated to the worn exterior of the brothel. The young boy expertly heaved himself onto the ladder and climbed down, skillfully avoiding all the windows, moving quickly, and making sure that the streets around were empty. That was the deal; if he could get in and out unnoticed, he could come and go as he pleased, as long as he came back before eight.

The short boy tumbled down to the ground; an alleyway reeking of sewerage. A few junkies slept a few feet away from where he landed, but other than that, the street was clear. Levi let his bare feet splash through an oil-stained puddle before he darted through the stone-covered floor, careful not to step on any of the broken needles and shards littering the streets.

Levi kept running until he reached his destination. It was a little too early still, so he opened the small net he had tucked over his shoulder and quickly jumped into the large container outside a small supermarket where he knew the owner wouldn't beat him if he was caught. He was able to fill his bag with dried bread, spotted bananas and a few pastries to still his mother's cravings when he heard them.

Quickly, the short boy perched up, scrambling over the edge of the dumpster and landing heavily onto the sidewalk. His feet were running before he could even get up. Carefully, he peeked out of the corner of the supermarket, where two kids came walking hand in hand. Both girls had red backpacks and blonde hair. One was wearing a blue dress while the other was wearing a yellow one. Gunpowder eyes watched them timidly; their smiling faces, rosy cheeks, and clean stockings. None of them had nasty bruises on their knees or sported a black eye like he currently did.

Soon, a horde of children followed the two girls. All in different clothes, with colorful backpacks, talking loudly with each other, and laughing obnoxiously. _Oh, how Levi wished he could join them._

They were all walking to the same place. The large building with the huge clock on it. Levi couldn't quite understand how a building could chime as this one did, but whenever it did, all the children disappeared into it. It was kind of like his mother's alarm clock, except, it was an entire building. And that was just a little too much for Levi to comprehend.

Levi recognized most of the kids after watching them like this for the entire spring and now, half-way through summer. There were so many of them, and, at seven years old, Levi was pretty convinced that many of them were his own age. But, they all looked healthier, cleaner, and happier than he did. And that just proved that he didn't belong with them.

A few minutes later, the building chimed ear-shatteringly loud and all the kids hurried inside the gates before they closed. Whenever the children vanished into the building, it always seemed to leave a strange void inside of Levi. Kind of like the playground inside of those gates that Levi never would touch with his filthy fingers and feet.

A swing was left dangling in a child's absence, and kind of like that, Levi felt, like the smile that had unknowingly crept onto his lips vanished. He tucked his hands inside the pockets of the pants his mother had sewn for him out of an old pair of denim jeans and slandered through the streets for the next hour when he knew that the children would once again flock to the yard in front of the ringing building.

It would sometimes get tedious to keep roaming through the same streets for hours every day, so Levi tried to widen his horizons by sometimes taking a left turn where he usually took a right _(never the other way around; his mother had told him what would happen if he got lost, so, it was easier to remember where he had gone that way)._

Today, his journey had taken him to a shop that had a bunch of weird-looking shapes on the front window. He stopped and assessed them, something happening in the back of his mind, gnawing and wanting to come out as if he somehow recognized whatever it was. Levi chewed on his bottom lip like he always tended to do when he was thinking. He hadn't even noticed the old man staring back at him from the other end of the window before he knocked on the glass.

Levi startled, large eyes peering upon the balding man. He instantly lowered his head shamefully and gave the man the most apologetic look he could muster before shuffling away. But, before he could disappear into the alley between the shop and its neighbor, a cheerful voice came calling after him.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”

There was a small, disarming laugh following the words, and Levi stopped abruptly, peering timidly over his shoulder. “I- I didn't mean to stare. I'll go away,” he hurridly promised. The old man assessed the frail boy wistfully, from his disheveled hair, too-thin body, and down to his dirty, shoeless feet. Levi shrank under his scrutinizing gaze.

“Do you like music?” he asked warmly and once more, Levi paused. Something inside his mind clicked, and he eagerly ran back to the store window and looked at the dancing figures. _Of course._

“They're instruments,” Levi realized out loud, owlish eyes looking between the drawings and the elderly man. “I knew I'd seen them before! That's a guitar. Oh, and that's a piano!” he rambled frantically, pointing at a box with a tall neck and strings before continuing further down the graphic art. Most of the instruments he didn't know the name of, but he still recognized some of them from the booklet inside the record they used to play at night. Eventually, he came to the last instrument, and he gasped audibly.

“That's a violin,” the man helped, smiling fondly at the child while Levi watched him in awe. “I think that might be my favorite instrument,” the old man drawled thoughtfully.

“Do you know how to play it?” Levi asked in silent hopefulness.

“I do. I used to play in an orchestra,” the old man announced proudly, back stretching a little bit straighter and shoulders suddenly seeming slightly broader.

“An orch- what?”

“How 'bout you, young lad? Do you know how to play any instruments?”

Levi looked at the ground sadly and shook his head. “No, but I like listening to them. I have a record at home. I listen to it when mom... uh, works.”

“That's nice,” the man hummed thoughtfully, scratching at his chin. “Music is very important you see. You learn all kinds of important things without even realizing it.” Levi was about to ask him about that when the man waved him into the shop. With hesitant steps, Levi approached the opening, scowling skeptically into a large room with white walls and black carpeted floors. It was filled with racks of different stringed instruments, altering sizes from twice as large as Levi, to small enough to fit into his palm.

Tentatively, he took a step inside and almost giggled when the soft floor tickled the sore soles of his feet. The old man had stepped behind the cash register, searching through the shelves behind it. Finally, he pulled out a retched looking thing that Levi recognized as a violin.

“I got this one in yesterday,” the man explained, stroking wrinkled fingers over the wooden surface. “The owner asked if it could be fixed, but unfortunately, it isn't even worth its cost in repairs.” He held up the auburn casing, and Levi chuckled when a light green eye peeked at him through a hole in the back of the violin.

“The guy told me to keep it and walked off, but I couldn't quite make myself toss it out. Instruments have souls, you see,” he explained, frowning when his fingers turned grey as they brushed over the strings. “Like this one. It's not worth much, but it's still unique.” He leaned over the counter so Levi could see what he spoke of properly. Leaves and flowers were painted along its curves, varying in sizes and technique.

“This one here has quite obviously been cared for a great deal, even if it's broken. The... customizations that have been made have made it drop tragically in value but it still shows that it has been played with a lot of love.” Levi nodded, mesmerized by the instrument's flawed beauty.

“And I, personally, think that that's very important,” the old man said, watching the violin affectionately. “Such a shame for it to go without a loving owner.”

The more Levi thought about it, the more did he decide that he agreed. He almost felt bad for the violin, as if, a part of his heart hurt by the thought of it rotting away in a dumpster somewhere.

“What do you think we should do about that?” the old man question Levi earnestly, tilting his head and placing a hand on his hips. Levi grimaced as he thought.

“Maybe you can play it,” he suggested hesitantly, before remembering his manners and adding a quick, “sir.” The man chuckled.

“I'm afraid I can't do that. My hands are all crooked and weak from my gout.” He placed the violin on the counter to hold up his hands for Levi to see. His fingers were pointed awkwardly to the side and his knuckles looked as if they had grown to twice the size they were supposed to be. “I can't do much playing anymore,” he explained sadly. Levi worried his lip, feeling genuinely bad for the old man until the man suddenly gasped.

“You know what? I have an idea!” he announced ceremoniously, making Levi's eyes grow wide with excitement once again.

“W-what?” Levi asked astonished, unable to keep himself from bouncing on his toes.

“How about you play it?”

Levi stopped abruptly, expression fading slowly. “I told you, I don't know how.” The balding man still smiled brightly.

“That doesn't matter my sweet child. All it cares about, is that it is treated with love,” he explained, hands caressing the lean neck before he placed it with determination into the small boy's arms.

“But, what if I don't know how to do that?” Levi asked started, not realizing that he was already clinging onto the fair wood as if protecting it from the world.

“I'm sure you can manage,” the old man replied with a soft smile, eying the small hands grasping onto the violin as if it was a stuffed animal. “It's a gift from me to you, and the only thing I want in return is that you eventually learn how to play it.”

Levi nodded before he had decided on the answer. “O-okay. I will.” In the distance, Levi could hear the bell of the chiming building, and he realized that he had forgotten about the time. This was probably the last ring of the day and if he didn't hurry, he would miss all the kids walking home. “I have to go,” Levi quickly declared, still holding onto his new treasure and running for the door. Before he could leave, however, he swiftly turned around.

“My name is Levi by the way. What's yours?”

The old man chuckled warmly, waving at the frantic child. “You can call me Dot.”


	2. Chapter 2

Levi stood by his corner a while after all the children had passed. This was the highlight of his day. A whole different world of wonder and questions had opened up when he had noticed the horde of children, all going to that same place at the same time, almost every day. Something inside him questioned why he wasn't going there too, but, he quickly snapped out of it. Because he wasn't like them. He didn't have clean clothes or sunkissed skin. He wasn't always newly washed _(rarely, really)._ Also, they had _shoes_ and Levi did not. He knew he didn't belong with them, but that didn't keep his mind from wandering, making his body feel all giddy and excited.

Levi finally backed away, breaking off his longing eyes for the kids walking on the sidewalk. His attention shifted to the retched violin, holding it away from his body, letting his gaze brush over it.  
  
It had three strings and a large hole in the back, but the worn paint job along its edges made something fuzzy and warm bubble in his chest. The rusty strings scratched against small, soft fingers and powdered them with golden-brown dust that stained against his white shirt when he tried wiping it off.

Walking a little further into the labyrint of allyways, he finally settled behind a dumpster, placing the violin experimentally towards his chest, letting his left hand press the strings while his right picked at them, exploring the different sounds eagerly as his fingers pushed down on different spots and different bands on the instrument. It didn't sound all the way _right,_ not according to his record, but he knew that the man in the booklet had a bow, and he didn't. For now, this was good enough.  
  
He didn't know just how long he'd sat there when he snapped out of his enchantment and remembered that he needed to get home.

His feet were like drumsticks as he rushed through the ally, net filled with food and the violin hugged protectively against his chest. Once he approched the ladder, he tucked it securly inside his net and pulled it to his front to make sure it wouldn't fall out while he climbed. The window was still open, so he leaned over to check that his mother was alone in the room before he jumped inside. He hoped she would be able to get up from bed today.

As he crashed onto the floor, Kuchel started, almost dropping the book in her lap off her cot.

“Mom,” Levi called excitedly, shuffling over the floor and holding out the violin to show. “Look what I got!”

Kuchel watched it intently and let out a calm chuckle. “It's broken, honey.”

“Yeah, but listen,” Levi growled as he strummed his hand over the pitchy strings. “It makes sound!” His mother laid her book off to the side, calmly, which told Levi that she had gotten pills today and that the next few hours would be pleasant for once, before her eyes suddenly widened.

“Levi, did you hurt yourself?”

Levi paused, watching her incomprehencively, before looking on the floor behind him where he had left bloodied footprints across the floor-boards. He frowned, tilting his head and wondering how that had happened. His musings were cut short however, when Kuchel's hand suddenly landed on his shoulders, shaking him worriedly.

“How many times do I have to tell you to watch where you're going? There are broken bottles and needles everywhere! Did you step on anything?”

The small boy scratched his head, letting the violin hang loosely from the grip of his other hand. “I don't think so, but I might have,” he admitted, trying to assess her reaction and what damage he might have caused. His mother's dark eyebrows curved, the worn skin around her eyes furrowing deeply as she picked him up and sat him onto the bed. Levi squirmed in her grip, deeply offended by the infantile treatment. Kuchel grabbed a hold of his ankles and pulled his feet up, pulling and prodding at the slashes that scattered his feet. She sighed in relief after carefully checking the dirty soles properly.

“No needle-marks,” she breathed before getting up. Kuchel slanted across the room and pulled the small first-aid kit the room was supplied with, out of a drawer and brought it over, opening it in her lap. “You have to be more careful, baby. If you step on a needle, you can catch all kinds of diseases. I've told you so many times.”

Levi leaned back on his elbows, kicking his feet, seeming entirely unbothered by his cuts. As his mother cleaned out the wounds, he peered apathetically at her. _Why did he have to be careful with the needles when she used them every day? Didn't that mean that she could get sick too?_

His thoughts went unspoken as he watched pale shaky hands with dirty nails wrap his feet tightly in gauze and bandages. When she had finished, she sat back and gave him a closed-eyed smile.

“There you go, baby.” A small kiss was placed on Levi's head. He let out an annoyed whine as his tiny hand pushed her away. Kuchel only chuckled lightly and crawled back into bed, lowering her head to the pillow and patted the vacant spot in front of her where Levi remembered the gross, sweaty man laying before. He glared skeptically at the mattress, before giving in to the temptation of what was becoming rare closeness, but, making sure to roll his eyes while he shuffled over, settling with his back against his mother's dipping chest in mock reluctance.  
  
As the mood settled and warmth engulfed his body, Levi's thoughts and questions fought against his stubborn silence  
  
“Mom, can I ask you something?” Levi muttered quietly, stroking gentle circles on the arm his head was resting on.  
  
“Of course,” she replied, and, despite Levi facing away from her, he could hear the smile in her voice.

“I was just wondin',” he drawled, hesitant. “I was just wondrin' why there are so many kids walking into the building with the giant clock.”  
  
Kuchel paused for a minute until she finally understood what her son was talking about. “Do you mean the school?”  
  
Levi worried his eyebrows. _How the hell was he supposed to know?_ “I guess, maybe.”

“It's so they can get their education, dear,” she muttered wistfully. _So they don't end up like this,_ was left unsaid.

“But, there's so many of them, and, I was just thinking,” he drew in a long breath, “-why can't I come with them?”  
  
That's when Kuchel touched his shoulder, pulling on it until he finally turned around to look at her. Her steel-blue eyes looked concerned, sad and, maybe, just a little bit angry. Levi shuddered, regretting his question.  
  
“You know this, Levi. I've told you before.” Bony arms tucked him tightly against her, and he settled back against her chest, facing away from her because he _knew_ and even if he really didn't _actually understand, it hurt all the same.  
  
_ “It's because you don't exist,” Kuchel whispers into his ear, and Levi curls just a little bit more into himself. _He knows.  
  
_ And like that they fell asleep; Levi sleeping in an actual bed for the first time in as long as he could remember.

* * *

The sky was dimming, enveloped in fuchsia and pink when Levi startled awake from the deep, guttural coughs behind him. He blinked the grogginess away with pale, lilac eyelids as his brain adjusted to the soft light, not quite comprehending what had awoken him yet. Once he had gathered himself for a moment, his dark eyes went wide as he whirled around, watching his mother's contorted face and heaving chest as her lungs rattled and surged painfully. She had gotten sickly pale and her fists were scrunched inside the fabric of her modest tank top as if the deep neckline was strangling her.

“M-mom?” Levi called, his voice small and worried.  
  
“I-I'm okay,” she assured him between hacks, each of her stained words sending her into a new fit.

Levi's hand was shaking as he slowly reached to touch her, soothe her, but before he was able to lay his _(hopefully)_ comforting touch on her shoulder, her back arched violently in a sudden cry of pain. The small child startled and darted back, tumbling off the bed to hit the back of his head on the floor. He scrambled to get his limbs to cooperate, take him back to her. But instead, they only lead him further away. His bandaged feet kicked at the floor until his back hit the closet door and all he wanted was to crawl back into his safe-space with his music playing and try to forget what was going on inside their sparse home.

Kuchel heaved for breath, clawing desperately at her throat with long, skeletal fingers and Levi watched helplessly with no idea what to do. His thoughts only went to crawl into a ball on the floor and cover his ears like he always did when his mother made noises of pain.

He had no idea how long he laid like that, trying to suppress his mother's struggling if it was seconds, minutes, hours, or days. However long it was it felt like an eternity. His chest ached for her, he wanted to help but had no idea _how._

_How could he help when he couldn't even move off the floor?_

It made him feel _bad_ and _useless_ and he _knew_ this made him a horrible son, just like she always told him on those days when he tried to hide from her in the closet; but, maybe those were the days she told him the _truth._ Because he always tried to forget those hurtful words, those words that made it feel like his heart was too heavy for his chest to carry all by itself. But he didn't do much to disprove her right now, did he?

Levi finally forced himself off the floor, prying his hands away from his ears, winching as his mother wailed in panic and discomfort. It hurt to walk across the floorboards, the crust of his fresh cuts pulling as his shaky feet carried him towards his mother. His pain didn't matter right now.

Gently, he crawled back onto the cot, vision blurred but refusing to let go of the terrified tears. Kuchel hacked roughly, unable to catch a proper breath. Her white skin had red splotches situated around her eyes, cheeks, and neck. Her eyes were bulging strangely, blood vessels a stark contrast to the icy color of the eyeballs.  
  
Levi felt nausea brew in the depths of his stomach from her unnatural appearance but absolutely refused to get scared again. He reached a tense, hesitant hand towards her, trying to hold it steady on her cheek despite his out-of-control nerves. Droplets ran down her face, and Levi gently brushed his small thumb against the skin that was burning hot and icy cold all at the same time. Suddenly, her flailing arms grasped a hold around his wrist, squeezing it tightly, and stared intently into his watery gaze. Her torn nails dug crescent moons into his thin appendage. Levi bit his lip stubbornly to keep himself from mewling.

“M-mom?” he repeated shakily, voice breaking. “Mom?”

The violent coughing fit held a tight hold of his mother for several moments still, but finally, it seemed to ebb out. Countless times, he'd tried to ask her if he wanted him to fetch her some water, but her grip around his arm didn't falter for a second, rendering him unable to go and fill up her glass.

Eventually, she calmed down, her breathing still ragged with high-pitched whistles each time she inhaled, but it sounded as if she was getting air at least and her exhausted fingers fell from Levi's wrist to land limply onto the mattress.

Levi watched her carefully, the rise and fall of her chest as she sucked in, filled her lungs, and breathed out and repeated. He finally managed to straggle his own feeble body out of the bed to fill a glass with water, immediately returning to her bedside and trying to make her hand grab it.

“Drink, please,” he begged, pushing the glass as close to Kuchel as he could manage. “It helps, I know, 'cause you told me.” He remembered back to all of the times she had made him drink water all the times that he was sick. Her hand found its way to his cheek, her clammy palm caressing him affectionately.

“You're so good to me, baby boy,” she rasped tiredly and accepted the glass, drinking half of it before giving it back to Levi, who carefully balanced it back onto the bedstand. As he turned back towards her, eyeing the dark aura spreading around her on the sheets from the feverish sweat that had escaped her body, a loud knock came on the door. Both of the ravens' attention snapped towards it. Kuchel pointed frantically to the closet but Levi was already on his way, fighting to free himself from the slouchy bedspread before he stopped dead in his tracks.

“Go,” Kuchel mouthed exaggeratedly, waving her hand in the air before realizing why Levi had stopped.

Bright red, tiny footprints so obviously from a child scattered across the floor, from the window to the middle of the room where Kuchel had picked her son up and placed him on the bed.

“Shit,” she breathed, sitting all the way up, swaying a little as she got to her feet and stretched out her body. Despite her dizzy spell, she ushered Levi into the closet. He stumbled into his sanctuary as the knocks on the door intensified.

“Kuchel! Wake up you lazy cow.”

The voice didn't sound friendly, but Levi was still relieved when he heard his mother call back, “Yeah, yeah, dumbass. Gimme a moment!” That assured him that his mother wasn't scared of whoever this was. She would take care of it, that Levi was _safe._ A moment later, she opened the closet back up. Without addressing Levi, she pulled out all of her clothes, tossing them onto her floor before she shut the door once again and left Levi in the lonely, suffocating darkness.

The door clicked open and immediately, Kuchel apologized for the mess. Whoever's voice it was, didn't seem to care. Levi heard footsteps and low murmurs, friendly, dark, and _hungry._ Soon, his record was playing, and everything fell into place. He was once again locked in the closet. Once again listening to his mother's strangled sobs as once again a man defiled her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! I'm still fairly new to writing AoT, so it's always nice to have some feedback! 
> 
> I usually do short chapters because I don't have the patience. I've come to accept that, and hope it makes me better at updating when I don't feel like I have to write 5000 words to post anything!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has a bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm spoiling you guys with updates while neglecting all my other stories. But I guess that's the way it goes! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Please let me know if I should add some warnings before this chapter. I was considering it, but I think the lines are a little bit blurred in this particular one.

Levi didn't sleep that night. He closed his eyes and tried, tried not to focus on the noises blending with his record as the muffled tones of a gravelly voice sang:

_Keep your eyes open  
and prick up your ears  
Rehearse your loudest cry  
There's folk out there  
Who would do you harm  
So I'll sing you no lullaby_

And it hurt inside Levi's chest, like a big black hole that sucked the light out of everything, wanted to draw out things from his insides that he couldn't afford to lose any more of, killing off the butterflies that would flutter around when he was happy, and drying up the rain that would release the sadness. Levi was scared that the black hole would eat him alive.

The sound of a hand hitting flesh rung inside the room, followed by a loud wail and a deep hack that made him scrunch his eyes shut. Small, thin fingers dug deeply into his ears and he bit his bottom lip until he tasted blood, trying to shut out his mother's hoarse cries. The thought of his mother having to go through this while sick was possibly the worst thing in the entire world.  
  
“What the hell is wrong with you, whore?” the angry man roared.

Another smack. Then another, and another, all while his mother whimpered and coughed and heaved, and then, Levi did the worst thing, the most forbidden thing he could think of.  
  
He left the closet.

Stepping out, they were right there, a few feet from him. Blood was streaming from his mother's busted nose. She was lying bare on the floor with her hair sprawled out and arms stretched in front of her, clawing at her client's arms. The heavyset man from yesterday morning hovered menacingly above her, bloodied knuckles raised in the air, gnarling, yelling, sneering.  
  
Kuchel's eyes widened into terrified saucers when she noticed Levi, and the man froze from the shift in his escort's attention.  
  
Levi's hands fisted tightly, rage and protectiveness boiling in his entire body. The man turned to look in his direction the moment Levi launched at him.

Small fists pounded furiously against the man's side, huffing breaths and quiet noises of exertion and overwhelming anger, teeth clenched and jaw set. It was _enough._ Levi had seen _enough_ , _heard enough._ It was _enough- enoughenoughenoughenough!_

Suddenly, a strong arm grabbed his wrist and yanked him forward. A bloodcurdling shout came from Kuchel, but the man told her to shut up. Levi scrambled, trying to get away as the man lifted him by the arm. Levi kicked and threw punches with his free hand but he was no match for this man's strength. Eventually, they were eye to eye.

Two yellowy-green orbs stared intently into Levi's icy grey and a small smile grew at the man's lips, making a wave of cold prickles run down Levi's spine. Quickly, he cleared his throat and spat in the man's face. There was a beat of silence while he wiped it off, before a flat hand crashed against Levi's cheek, making him whimper painfully.

“Don't hurt him,” Kuchel begged desperately, holding onto the man's leg, twirling her exhausted body across the floorboards, accidentally kicking away some of the clothes she had scattered around to cover the bloodied footsteps. The man's gaze brushed over her before locking with the prints that had been hidden under the garments. Then, it wandered over to Levi's bandaged feet.

“Is it your bastard?” he asked cooly, letting go of Levi who thumped onto the floor. He fought the urge to run to his mother.

“No,” she scoffed blatantly. Something stung inside Levi's chest. “Does this look like a body that's gone through child-birth?” Her arm brushed seductively along her side.

The man grunted. “It doesn't look like much at all.”

Kutchel rolled her eyes. “The brat had stepped on a broken bottle,” she explained, frowning towards her son. “I took 'im in to clean the wound and allowed him to stay here as long as he stayed in the closet while I worked. Clearly, that was too much to ask, ungrateful lil' shit.”  
  
Guiltily, Levi got up on shaky legs, hand scratching at the back of his head. “I'm sorry,” he whispered soundlessly, dragging his feet as he walked towards the window. “I'll go. I'm sorry,” he repeated as he climbed onto the counter in front of the window and began lowering himself onto the ladder.

“Hey kid,” the man chuckled, Levi quickly looked up. “I'll let ya stay if you suck my cock.”  
  
Levi winched and hurried down the first steps, listening to the rough laughed and his mother's mild scolding as he descended down into the dark alley.

 _There's a lock on the window;  
_ _There's a chain on the door  
_ _A big dog in the hall  
_ _But there's dragons and besties  
_ _Out there in the night  
_ _to snatch you if you fall_

* * *

Levi knew why his mom had said the things she said, knew it was to protect him and he had screwed up. But it still hurt.

The alleys were ominous at night, drunk people and prostitutes and junkies everywhere. The ground was dark which made it difficult to navigate his steps around the litter, and his bare feet slipped over the slick stones that paved the path, coated with the light drizzle from the clouded night sky. He made himself as small as possible, staying out of the light as he looked for a place to sleep. His mother had warned him about sleeping in dumpsters, so he needed to find someplace else.

He kept walking, legs worn and his feet cold and aching. The wounds underneath them were itching and stinging. His thin arms did little to nothing in keeping him warm as he rubbed them quickly up and down against his arms. Black hair had stuck to his forehead, falling into his eyes and dripped small droplets down his face.

Eventually, it started to get lighter outside, and he still hadn't found somewhere that seemed safe to sleep albeit the crowded streets were getting less and less crowded. Levi decided to go to his corner and wait for the children to go to... go to _school._ But, as he approached the corner, he realized that it was Saturday, counting back on how many times he'd watched them this week.

Adding the new disappointment to the heaviness in his body, he trotted to the side of the supermarket dumpster where he usually found their food, and laid down, falling asleep almost instantly.

* * *

“Hey, wake up.”

Levi whined groggily.

“C'mon kid, you can't be sleeping out here like this.”

His entire body throbbed, his limbs stiff and freezing. His throat felt tight and constricted, head feeling heavy and empty at the same time. Mindlessly, he reached his hand out to grab one of his mother's sweaters to pull over him, before he realized where he was. Jerking up until seated, he stared wildly at the store owner, who stood over him with a worried expression.

“You've had a rough night, haven't you child,” he muttered sadly. “But you can't sleep here. Do you need me to call anybody?”

“N-no,” Levi croaked frightened, thinking back on how he had blown their cover yesterday. Wondering if he had a place to come home to. If, if his mother was all right.

As the thought of his mother struck him, Levi darted back to his feet and ran past the man who had woken him up. His heart fluttered in his chest, panic forcing his legs to keep moving. Levi ran, and ran, and ran, careful to look at the ground and mind where he placed his feet. He ran- bile rising in his throat. He ran, slipped, scraped his knees and palms and got up and kept running.  
  
Kept running until he realized that he had no idea where he was. The old, ratchet brick apartment buildings that were supposed to greet him were nowhere in sight. Instead, this street had nice, medium-sized houses with garages and front lawns, framed by white picket fences.

Levi turned to walk back to the road he had come from when he heard it.

_Music._

A whimsical melody, a little melancholic while still optimistic. Easy, simplistic but exciting. Something that was not his mind took over Levi's body as he kept walking towards the sound. Several of the houses had swingsets and slides on their lawns, but no kids playing on them. It was still raining, but Levi couldn't help but be a little disappointed. The music became louder and louder as he passed the houses, until he stood in front of a large, offwhite house- or, small mansion.

Levi had never seen anything like it. He followed the fence surrounding it until he stood in front of a large garden. A small step lead to a door that stood slightly open, and behind it, Levi could almost see who was playing. Without giving in any thought, he climbed the fence and jumped down. The grass was much more pleasant to land on than the stones at the back alley at home.

Quickly, he made his way over the green scapes until he reached the door where he warily peeked inside.

The large room that met him had ceilings as high as the house itself. The black grand piano that stood in its center was as majestic as the room it was placed in. Levi gawked at it before his attention was brought to the one creating the mesmerizing sound. His small mouth turned into a voiceless gasp.

It was a boy.

His shoulders were aligned with his broad upper body, back perfectly straight as his fingers danced easily over the keys. On the floor, his feet tapped gently at a set of three pedals, manipulating the sound to soften, elongate and damper as the music filled the room. There was a small sway in his upper body, making Levi think that he enjoyed his own playing, which, why shouldn't he? Levi would do anything to be able to do _anything_ as beautiful as that!

The tiredness engulfed Levi's body and he slid down against the wall, hypnotized as his private concert went on. He was nearly half asleep when suddenly the door was thrust open all the way.

“Get out of here you filthy pest!” an older man growled, throwing something- a book- at Levi. The child scrambled on the porch like a spooked cat before getting to his feet. He glanced back at the piano, where the blond boy was looking at him curiously. He had bright blue eyes unlike anything Levi had seen before, and somehow, it made sense. His mom always told him that eyes were the windows to the soul, and only an eye like that could contain a soul playing such beautiful music. The old man hushed him away, threatening to throw another book. Levi snapped out of his thoughts and ran across the lawn and jumped the fence.  
  
This time, he didn't stop running until he was back at familiar grounds, tears prickling in his eyes as the night prior and his morning overwhelmed him with its cruel helplessness. He even let a few of them fall, but not for him. For Kuchel. Because he had screwed up so _so (sososo)_ bad and hurt her and who knew what had happened after he left?  
  
Had the pig believed her lie?  
Did he hurt her more?  
Had his mom's bosses found out?  
...were they going to sell him? To the pig? Because he had said... No, Levi didn't want to think about what he had said.

Not even when he saw the ladder did he slow down- he needed to get up there. Then, and only then, could he slow down. His mind repeated the same thing over again, _please be okay please be okay don't be mad please don't sell me please don't please be okay._

He ascended the ladder quicker than he ever had before, only pausing outside the open window _(did that mean that she wanted him to come home, or did that mean that she was unable to close it after him and couldn't get off the floor- oh god what if she isn't okay)._ Holding his breath, Levi listened for someone on the inside like he was taught to do, but he could only hear his own heartbeats pounding in his ears.

Carefully, he peeked inside and was instantly grabbed by an arm and dragged through the window. Instinctively, he wanted to fight back, wanted to twist out of their arms because _he wasn't going anywhere!_  
  
But, Kuchel didn't lose her grip on him. She held him tightly against her body, rocking him back and forth and whispering apologies and comforting words into his ear until he stopped fighting. Finally, his arms found her arms, and he pushed away, needing to see his mother's face. She had a faint black eye, nose slightly swollen and as she brushed her hand against his cheek, he realized that he was probably a little bruised too.

“My sweet baby boy, I am so sorry,” she wept silently, brushing his overgrown hair back. “I didn't know what else to do.”

Levi forced back a sob of his own. He needed to be strong for her. “I'm sorry too, mom, I- I did something I wasn't allowed to, and then I couldn't even protect you.”

“That's not your job, Levi,” she breathed gently with a soft smile, looking him over. Her expression faltered. “Look at you, god, you must be freezing.”

And Levi was.

“I'm going to draw you a bath,” she murmured sternly, and Levi glared.  
  
“No, please. Can't I just change my clothes?” he whined after her as she got up and walked to their tiny bathroom.

“No Levi, you're taking a bath. You'll get sick and besides, look at your feet.”

He turned to look down. At some point, his bandages had unraveled. His feet were dirty, brown, and dried blood merged together to create a caked layer of mud around his toes. “...it's not that bad.”

“Enough, Levi,” she chuckled, trying to put some authority into her voice. Finally, Levi complied, throwing his clothes on the floor, crawling into the small bathtub. Kuchel helped him wash his hair and upper body, before letting him take care of his delicates by himself. They saved the worst for last. Kuchel gently scrubbed his feet clean, careful not to make the cuts under his soles even worse than what they already had become. She showered him off one final time, making Levi giggle as she sprayed him directly in his face, and he retaliated by splashing her with the dirty water from the tub. When they were finally done, Levi was half asleep once more.

Kuchel wrapped him in a clean towel and carried him back to bed with her, settling him carefully down, pulling the blankets over him. She scooted in beside him and pulled out her book, reading out loud with a hushed voice, hoping the tale of magic and dragons would register in his subconsciousness and send him pleasant dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me on tumblr! My username is MissTinfoilHat. 
> 
> The song bits in the beginning is from No Lullaby by Jethro Tull, one of my favorite bands!
> 
> Please leave a kudo, and maybe a comment if you like it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a shorty, but I felt like it was done. I've literally spent weeks on the first 900 words of this chapter and I've felt like my writing is really shitty lately. But, there's something about having difficulty with one chapter, just telling yourself that it's done and good enough, and hopefully having an easier time with the next one. There is this amazingly awesome Norwegian poet and musician named Alf Prøysen that wrote (roughly translated with the hopes that its meaning will translate as well): There will be a new day tomorrow, that's clean and opened wide. With blank pages and colored pencils too. 
> 
> That's kinda how it feels. Once this chapter is out there, I have blank pages and can start fresh.
> 
> This comes from a kind of a dark place and some trigger warnings are probably appropriate: Drug use, neglect, indicated child abuse, and emotional neglect., heavy angst.

He could still smell the sour odor on his mother's pillows, and his subconscious remembered why he didn't like sleeping in a bed. He longed for the cover and sanctuary of his closet, all though, usually, the sound of his mother's voice could quelch out every little evil in the world and kill any turmoil that would dare wretch through his mind and body. But, Levi's dreams weren't soothed by her gentle coos in the slightest tonight. The vile comment from that pig-faced shithead kept echoing in his head while he dozed fitfully.

“ _I'll let you stay if you suck my cock”.  
  
_ The nasty indication of those words had made Levi gag as he made his way down the ladder. For a short moment, he had mistaken the outside world as a refuge, but the moment his bare feet touched the ground, he was reminded that the only thing meeting him at the bottom was even more danger. Streets of shattered glass and needles packed with disease and a world overcrowded with wicked people.

 _Wicked people that wanted his body,_ his mother had explained time and time again. He was reminded of it every other day. It was why he was supposed to stay in the closet; the closet he longed for, even with the warmth of his mother's bony chest against his back, he still wanted back to it. Because the bed was filled with smells and spots and as much sickness and filth and _bad_ _(badbadbadbad)_ as any dirty street or syringe or broken shard was. Only on this bed, he was reminded of _why_ she had started to talk about this.

_But now he knew. He knew all too well and it **hurt** and he was **scared** **(so so scared)** and he had called for her but she was asleep or unconscious **(or dead? Why doesn't she wake up? Please, please, please wake up)--**_

In his awake state, he could fight off the nightmarish flashbacks that were prowling in the darkest realms of his memory. In the pitch blackness of his resting state, however, arms kept stretching out from nowhere, pulling on his hair and at his tattered clothes, covering his mouth to keep him from crying as the vile smell of cigarettes and alcohol oozed out of grinning gaps of blackening and yellowing teeth. A sense of hopelessness and vulnerability crept into him and hurled through his defenseless body, spreading down his back, down his shoulder, all through his body like a cold, icy blanket.  
  
Right then, he felt so impossibly alone. All though he knew, even in his dream, that his mother was sleeping off _something_ in the bed right next to him. There was no help, no compassion, no reassurance to get _anywhere_. it was as if there weren't enough comfort in the entire world to chase this helpless, shameful feeling away.   
  
_Her close proximity hadn't helped that time. Why would it help now? Why would it help ever?_

With his heart stuck in his throat, he sensed his hands raising off the mattress to fight off his invisible foes. Levi was sure his eyes were open now, steely grey staring intently into the dark room. Yet, he couldn't see a thing. His heart was pounding a violent staccato in his chest and sweat was beading down his forehead despite the cool air in the room. The arms he thought were fighting turned out to still lay pinned along his sides on the bed as if something was clasping them down into the musty foam.

He instinctively cried out, clapping his teeth around the sound, and strangling it into a distressed groan before it could make it past his lips. He stayed silent for a long minute, panting, waiting for his heart to stop pounding or maybe even for the threat- the one his mind was _convinced_ was there- to materialize from the darkness like in a ghost story.   
  
None of that happened. The room was still but somehow it was the loudest sound. He felt like he had to swallow around his heart several times to get it back in place.

When the silence finally breached, it was his own wail. Something entirely involuntary that retched out of his chest and lungs. The invisible force finally let go of his shaking form. Levi sat up quickly, tossing the blankets to the side, and made to jump off the bed when a slight limb grabbed his arm. He yelped and turned around, arm punching the air, meeting half-lidded, concerned eyes. Dark gray stared at him behind a tired haze.

“What's wrong, baby,” Kuchel asked weakly, trying to pull him back into her arms. She quickly let go when she made out the terrified features peering back at her from the edge of the bed.

“Oh,” she breathed.

As his mother sighed heavily, Levi sprinted off the bed and shuffled rashly towards the closet, small hands hugging around himself, only letting go once the door was within reach. He tumbled inside, ready to shut the door when Kuchel reached him and snatched him back into her hold. Levi choked out a cry, grasping at the members holding him still, scratching and tugging at the unrelenting grasp. It took several moments until her words reached him.

“Levi, _please_ calm down!”

Warm flesh met a gap, void of a front tooth as sharp teeth sunk into a thin arm and coaching out a startled yelp from the woman as the child successfully tore away from her. He slammed the door shut behind him and crept to the furthest corner of the closet, burying himself into layers of dirty laundry, biting down on his fingers hard. Kuchel quietly called his name from the outside.

“No!” he wailed, pressing his back even closer to the wall behind him, grasping pieces of clothing protectively and hiding his face. He didn't _want_ her _. Not now._

She couldn't _help._ She hadn't helped back then _. They had taken him and she had been **there but** she wasn't **really there so no one had** **helped** and **nothing** was **safe** and he wanted her to **go away.**_

Even now, when he knew that they were _alone,_ why should her comfort help? He wanted her to leave him alone.

“Levi, baby, I'm opening the doors,” she declared hesitant. The doors swung outwards, so there was nothing Levi could do about that, but what he could do, was give her a freezing cold glare as she appeared in the slits of the closet doors.

Kutchel's heart broke into a million tiny fragments when she saw the way her son clutched to the back of the closet as if just her _presence_ burnt him. A pile of dirtied clothes was bunched up in his arms, void of the stuffed animals she had never been able to give him. It felt as if he couldn't get enough distance between him and herself. He looked like a cornered, feral animal, and she knew that it was all her fault. Because she was _weak._ She was _too weak._

Had been unable to protect him.

The young mother didn't know what to do. She reached an arm out, but her boy coiled back and away from her touch. So, she decided to give him the space he seemed to crave. She crawled back into bed, her mind slipping off to the needles stocked in her nightstand. The tinfoil containing her medicine against the world was clawing at her, pulling her unapologetically into its safety; promising her blissful unawareness from the turmoil emerging around her.

But, she stubbornly chased the thoughts away, grabbing the opened bottle of cheap red wine on her nightstand. In one gulp, she nearly emptied its contents, and the now near emptied bottled coaxed out newfound desperation.

_It wasn't enough._

Once the bottle promised nothing more than another sip, her hand went towards the rubberband that hung loosely on her bedframe. She chased away the fleeting thoughts of Levi and how he needed her _(because she couldn't give him anything at this point anyway-- it was too late)_ , letting her own needs and wants and shameful cravings take over fully. Endofines spread throughout her body just by the thought of what she was about to allow herself. Hastily, she opened her drawer and pulled out a silvery piece of foil, and unwrapped it, careful with the brown powder inside. Next, she pulled out a sooted spoon, easing the powder into it before she reached for her lighter. The telltale vinegary smell reached her nostrils, and she felt her mouth water while her body wanted to retch at the same time. The anticipation was such a mixture of emotions that it made her entire body respond.

Once she had finally injected the drug, she let the needle fall from her hand and clatter dully onto the floor as she closed her eyes, leaning back against her pillows, briefly registering that they had the pungent odor of old sweat and wondered if that might have been what sent Levi off. As soon as the thought occurred, it disappeared in a sea of euphoric bliss. She felt the creases of her mouth curved upwards as she let herself drift off into a world where nothing hurt except for the knowledge that it at some point had to end.

* * *

Levi watched as his mother pushed the brown liquid into a protruding vein in the crease of her elbow, amongst several small bruises and puckered scars and he knew his mother would be absent for a long while. Once she got started, she wouldn't be able to quit before she had used up whatever she had.

He settled back into the closet, waiting for her to grow tired. Once the feverish gibberish and strange exaltation had left her features, he moved out to put on his record. He settled back into his pile of clothes and closed his eyes, relishing in the familiar sound of flutes, guitars, bass, and drums and his mind drifted swiftly towards the violin that laid on the floor outside of his shelter. After another while, Ian Anderson's flute played jestfully through the room. Once the drums set in, he could hear Kuchel's brittle voice singing along to the verses.

_Puff warm breath on your tiny hands.  
You wish you were a man  
Who every day can turn another page.  
Behind your glass, you sit and look  
At my ever-open book ---  
One brown mouse sitting in a cage. _

Eventually, Kuchel finally dozed off and Levi decided what to do the moment he heard the soft exhales and inhales, what he wanted to do. He patted over to her nightstand and opened the drawer as quietly as he could. The crumbled paper laid in the inner creak. He picked it up and observed it as a few grains spilled into his small palm. He grimaced.

On his tiptoes, he made his way across the worn floorboards. Outside it was still raining. He weighed the seamless, yet enormous weight in his hand before he took a deep breath and unclasped the henges holding the window in place.

The bitter bridge of _'One Brown Mouse'_ repeated in the back of his mind, a continuation of the song that had died on his mother's lips even if the track was well past that point of the song.

_Do you wonder if I really care for you?  
Am I just the company you keep?  
Which one of us exercises on the old treadmill?  
Who hides his head, pretending to sleep? _

He pushed his hand out the gap of the window, letting the wind catch the dark powder and brush it away from his hand, letting what he thought was his biggest problem fly away with the wind. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi makes a little friend!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be back and fix this chapter. I've tried several times, but I'm so sleepy today. So yeah, I know (especially) the ending is a bit messy. I might add some meat to its bones also. But nothing to change the plot!
> 
> Also, I'm well on my way to finish the next chapter of Some days waste, the other AoT story I've been working on. 
> 
> Gooood things are coming. .Now.nap time.

Levi awoke as a piercing shriek ricochet through the room. To his bleary, lethargic brain, the sound reminded him of the nest of baby birds that used to reside in the duct above their window. Pictures of their mother approaching to gulp food down their beaks flashed through his mind in the sluggish haze. The high-pitched noise was an unwelcomed addition to the morning hours, and Levi crawled deeper into his dirty pile of clothes, trying his best to silence the racket with a cotton sweater. However, it seemed like sleep was a lost cause as the screeching morphed into nearly comprehendible words, and drawers and cupboards slammed open in every corner of the small room. Levi couldn't fully understand what was going on. Soon, the doors of his closet were wrenched open. A firm grip snatched him, hauling him by the neck of his shirt to his feet.

Kutchel leered down at him with a furious expression. The bags under her eyes were blue and swollen and her pale skin had an unhealthy shimmer under a thick layer of perspiration. Levi's breath hitched. He found it hard to fill his lungs properly with the fierce grip grasping onto his collar. His tiny, bandaged feet couldn't find purchase on the floor.

“What the hell did you do?” Teeth gritting, Kutchel sneered at her son. The hand holding him several inches off the ground jerked and the slight body swayed back and forth. Levi merely stared incomprehensibly back, wide gray eyes brimming with tears.

“I-” he tried, but his mother's anger made it difficult to talk, to think. He couldn't remember. A few moments ago, he had been fast asleep.

“Don't play dumb with me, Levi. Where the fuck did you hide it?”

Still, Levi found himself unable to reply. His mind reeled, trying to remember the night before. It was all blurred like someone had pulled a thick blanket over his memories. His young brain worked desperately, filtering through it and trying to piece together a puzzle with pieces missing.

He could remember his music playing, and the distorted tunes that emitted shyly from his violin while he experimentally picked at the strings and tried to make them sound right with the songs. He remembered crawling into the window soaking wet and having to take a bath. After that, he had coiled into his mother's arms on her bed. That memory almost made him smile. He was glad he got to keep that.

Levi figured that the answer had to be somewhere after that. With tired eyes, he gazed meekly at their chaotic surroundings. All the drawers from her nightstand had been pulled out and laid face-down on the floor. Her blanket was sprawled out between them, and her pillow had ended up all the way at the door.

The pillow.

It had felt so soft and cozy against his heated cheeks after the bath. He remembered inhaling his mother's scent and then... something else.

There it was. The answer. Something bad had happened.

As much as he wracked his brain, he couldn't recall what the bad was. Only that it filled his mind with black spots and bad feelings, the ones that made it feel like nothing could ever make him happy again. It had to have been so bad that his mother's rising and falling chest and sweet sighs as she slept peacefully for once couldn't chase it away. And it had made him scared.

That must have made his mother sad and then he must have done something stupid because the nice feelings and soft smiles and gentle laughs and giggles from yesterday were gone now and he couldn't _remember._

Kutchel shook him again, prompting Levi's hands to rise and clutch onto hers.

“I'm sorry,” he begged, desperately holding back the tears that wanted to spill.

“I don't care you, little shithead! Where the fuck is my stash?”

“Y-your sta-” Levi's gaze widened; the only thing he could do before his body was slammed against the floorboards. The air was knocked out of his lungs and his head slammed back painfully. She leaned her body over his, hands still scrunched in his t-shirt as she shook uncontrollably.

“ _Yes,_ my fucking _stash,_ ” she sobbed, wiping her weeping face on his shirt. “What did you do to it?”

“I don't remember,” Levi whimpered truthfully. Whatever happened after the bad thoughts had come, was erased. “P-please, mom,” he swallowed around a sob. It was getting hard to breathe. “I swear I don't know.”

“Do you understand what you have done?” she asked him darkly. Her face was obscured by long, tangled hair.

The moment he felt her fingers slip, he kicked back and scrambled away from her, curling into a ball in the corner of the room.

As his mother collapsed on the bedspread, crying so hard that Levi was worried her heart might break, he soundlessly moved back into the closet, where he hoped he'd be forgotten forever.

* * *

Levi couldn't remember what had happened that night. The following days, Kutchel had to work extra hard to afford a new fix. The brothel madame had been angry when she asked for more. A stinging slap and muffled cries followed. Levi heard the old bat scold her, saying that she would have to work for free until she had paid it off.

In the next three days, he hardly left the closet, but it didn't seem like his mother cared. He guessed he couldn't blame her. What he had done must have been unforgivable, and he was sure he wouldn't want anything to with her either if the roles had been reversed. So, he didn't allow himself to leave the confined space and sought comfort in the smell of the perfume that still lingered in the clothes inside the closet, closing his eyes and remembering when she still loved him.

Through the days, he could hear Kutchel's garbled voice, talking to clients or herself, lazily singing to the sound of the record player, dragging her vowels. Sometimes she was laughing, sometimes she was crying.

Whenever he was sure she had fallen asleep, he slipped into the bathroom to relieve himself and drink as much water he could muster to keep the piteous growls of hunger at bay. Other than that, he stayed away.

Occasionally, Kutchel would have another coughing fit. That seemed to happen more frequently as of late. Once it had gotten bad enough that Levi had peeked out of the closet and asked if she needed him to get some water, but she had merely snarled at him to get the fuck away. So, Levi didn't.

At least she would still put on his music from time to time. Not always when she was working. He guessed it was mostly for her, then. But he didn't mind. It gave him some time to keep fiddling with the violin and eventually, it didn't sound half-bad. He knew he didn't do it right. He held it like how he knew people would hold a guitar. Still, he tried placing his fingers on different strings and used the thumb on his other hand to strum over them. Eventually, he had figured out how to play along to a couple of the songs. Softly, he tried to sing along as small fingers brushed over strings, and his hand tried to keep up with the chord changes.  
  


 _Puff warm breaths on your tiny hands  
_ _  
You wish you were a man  
_ _  
who everyday could turn another page  
_ _  
Behind your glass, you sit and look at my ever-open book  
_ _  
One brown mouse sitting in a cage_

_  
Do you---_

  
He paused, suddenly feeling a dark, bitter emptiness in his chest. He let the song go on without him.

_  
Do you wonder if I really care for you..._

  
There were footsteps rapidly approaching and Levi startled, clutching onto the violin. Then, the door burst open and Kutchel stared at him with a wide grin.

“Was that you?”

Levi peered up at her, lips slightly parted. His eyes darted between her and the empty doom behind her. “Uh---”

“Again,” she urged eagerly and sat down in front of him. She crossed her legs and rested her hands on bare knees, rocking childishly. “Can you play it again for me?”

Still, Levi needed a moment to understand what was going on. They hadn't talked for several days, and now, she sat in front of him with child-like glee as if nothing had ever happened. Something in her eyes seemed strange as if her pupils were blown out and the grayish blue had vanished into two black holes. She sat and watched him expectantly until he realized what she had meant.

“Oh, I- I can try,” Levi offered softly and waited for an opportunity to jump back in with the track. With stumbling fingers, he tried his best to keep up, while he hummed his careful words. Once the music faded out, Kutchel squealed happily and pulled him into a tight embrace.

“That's amazing honeybun! You're so good, how did you learn?”

“I tho-ght m-sulf,” he muffled into her shoulder, letting go of the instrument in favor of grabbing onto her light blue sleeping gown, relishing the feeling of being held close to her again.

“Oh my sweet little Levi,” she cooed, hands crossed behind his back and fingers running through overgrown locks of dark hair. Levi closed his eyes, allowing himself to believe that she had missed this as much as he had. He wished they could stay like that forever, and maybe they would have if his stomach hadn't chosen then to sound out a miserable growl.

“You hungry?” she asked softly, loosening her hold on him. Levi reluctantly leaned back with a faint pout.

“Not really,” he lied.

She smiled knowingly and stood back up, reaching for a plate atop of her dresser, The inhabitants of the brothel usually got served two meals a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Usually, her intense cravings when she woke up would eliminate the sparse breakfast the moment it was sat down. Levi didn't mind. He went dumpster diving almost every morning anyway. But, there on the porcelain dish in front of him laid half a piece of buttered toast, just for him. He stared at it awestruck and reached for it, paused, itchy fingers hovering over it, and looked up to assess his mother's expression. She smiled brightly and nudged the plate towards him. Levi snapped the piece into two small hands and nibbled happily as Kutchel started to tidy up the room and gathered all the dirty clothes in a hamper.

It was a good morning. A good day. A few hours into it, Kutchel was still cleaning their small living space in a frenzy, quick, energetic movements as she dusted off the floors, cleaned the surfaces, changed her sheets, and washed their clothes in a small wooden bucket on the bathroom floor. Meanwhile, Levi kept picking at the violin, giggling as he heard Kutchel sing silly, made-up words to the random selection of notes he chose to play.

“ _I have a boy and his name is Levi_

_He has forty-four legs and lives in a bee-hive_

_he's in love with his record, especially the b-side_

_while I make up words and they're really cheese-ay”_

Butterflies fluttered in Levi's stomach as he laughed heartedly at his mother's goofy antics and he was sure that he never would be happier than right now. All of the dark, nasty feelings from the days before irrupted into yellow and red and pink fireworks that scattered and exploded into twinkling stars around them. A permanent smile was set on his childish face that lasted until his mother slumped down onto the bed with a frail hand resting on her stomach.  
  
Somehow, it felt like all the air was extracted from the room.

Worriedly, he lurked over to her, keeping at an arm's length away, still trying to decide what state of mind she was in. As she raised her and, looking at him between long, dark bangs, she mustered up a reassuring smile and waved his concern away.

“Don't worry, I'm just a little light-headed, that's all.”

Levi chewed on his bottom lip. “It's still light out. Do you want me to go and find us something to eat?”

She closed her eyes and hummed pleasantly. “Yes, that would be lovely, Levi. In the meantime, I'll just take a nap.” She slid down under the covers and seemed to have fallen asleep the moment her head hit the freshly made bed and Levi fetched his net, getting ready to climb out the window. Mid-climb, he hesitated. Scrambling back off the ledge, he grabbed his violin and put it into the net, before finally climbing out the window.

Small legs hurried through the streets. It was a sunny day. His feet were bare, except for the bandages that still covered the cuts from earlier in the week and stung slightly on the hot asphalt. The heat meant that any food he found in the dumpster would most likely be rotting by now, but he was still hoping to find a cinnamon roll or a different sweet. He knew that was what his mother liked. And after, well, if he was really quick, maybe he could find back to the house with the kid that played the beautiful piano music.

* * *

It turned out, he didn't need to remember where the house was. The moment he stepped into the neighborhood, with his net filled to the brim between the sweets and the violin, he heard the piano sing through the air. His feet moved on their own accord and soon, he stood behind the same fence which he expertly climbed once again.

The door was open to let in the fresh air and sunshine, and a strict looking man stood and watched over the blonde child as he played. This time, the melody sounded happier than the last time he had been there. Each note sounded as if it skipped happily through a meadow of flowers, and Levi imagined them painting a floral mural onto the path before him. This time, he didn't want to get caught. Swiftly, he looked around. At the other end of the garden, he located a large bush with pink flowers on it.

Passing a wary glance towards the door, Levi hurried over and settled beneath it. Fingers, shaky with nerves fidgeted slightly as he pulled his violin from the sack. Tentatively, he picked at each string, getting reacquainted with their sound, before pulling a face. It didn't sound right at all.

He kept tightening and loosening the screws on the head until he found a sound that resembled something close to pleasing to his ears, and struggled to find the right notes as the music coming from inside became more and more familiar.

Levi closed his eyes. On the inside of his closed lids, he envisioned himself standing by the blonde boy's side, holding his violin to his neck like Dot had shown him, stroking a long, elegant bow over the strings and playing along with the beautiful piano music. He imagined his mother's face as she stood and listened with the nasty man that threw a book at him the last time he was here. How his mouth soured into a bitter frown while his mothers blew raspberries at him, then turned her attention back to them and clapped and laughed, and started singing silly little songs while they played.

“Hey.”

Levi jumped and scrambled off the ground, almost leaving his violin and net behind. He fumbled to grab them, the sweets falling out and onto the dirt as the violin got caught between his legs, making him tumble onto the ground, landing on his stomach with a breathless oof.

“I'm sorry,” Levi hurriedly gasped and rolled to his back, arms protectively in front of his face in case another book was flung at him.

“Are you okay?” The voice sounded like it tried to hold back a laugh. Now that Levi thought about it, it didn't even sound like an adult voice. It sounded like...

Levi unlocked his arms and peered upon the blonde boy. Bright blue eyes were smiling serenely back at him. The long blonde bangs were pulled up behind his ear, and he wore a light blue pair of shorts and a navy blue cardigan with a white polo tee underneath.

“I didn't mean to scare you,” the boy said and reached a hand down towards Levi. Carefully, Levi contemplated, before reluctantly accepting the help.

“I heard you when I was rehearsing. Do you play the mandolin?”

“The mando-what?” Levi retorted bewildered, pointing towards where the violin laid on the ground a little away from them, covered in mud. “I play that thing.”

Levi stood up and brushed off his pants. Peering up, he noticed begrudgingly how tall the other boy was and scratched his head awkwardly.

The blonde hummed affirmatively, picking up the wretched-looking instrument. His face scrunched into a small frown when he noticed the large hole on the back of it, checking down on the ground as if searching for the rest of it.

“Don't worry, I got it like that.”

Smiling, the boy turned the violin and looked it over. “It's really pretty. I thought you were playing the mandolin because you played it like one, all though, I did think it was strange that I didn't hear a double set of strings.”

Levi merely stood there and bobbed his head as if he had any idea what the other boy was talking about. “Uhu.” For a while, Levi watched the other scrutinizing the instrument.

“Don't you have a tuner? Or something else to help you tune it? It's a little off.”

Again, Levi found himself mute.

“That's how I noticed you,” he explained with a chuck as if it cleared up everything. “When I was playing. Since all of the tunes were slightly off, I got a little distracted. But it didn't seem like Mr. Sadies noticed.”

“Mr. Sadies?” Levi asked, finally finding his tongue.

“Yeah, you met him the last time you were here. Kinda.”

“Oh, shitty baldy guy with crazy eyes,” Levi muttered lowly and crossed his arms over his chest, “The one that threw a book at me.”

The other boy snorted out an amused laugh before he forced himself to be serious. “Yeah, I'm sorry about that.”

Awkwardly, they avoided each other's glances for a short while. Levi had never talked with someone his age before. Except for mom, there were really just Dot and the man that let him get stuff from his trash over by the school. Other than that, he'd been yelled at by many people. Still, never really someone close to his age.

“I'm Erwin Smith.”

Levi cowered away when a strong, tanned hand shot forward. But, it merely lingered in the air. Tentatively, Levi lowered the arm that covered his face slowly and met ocean blue eyes filled with confusion.

What was this kid doing? Why would he just reach for him like that? He told Levi his name, Erwin Smith, that must mean he's nice, right? No one had ever presented themselves for Levi before puncturing him before. And now, the boy, Erwin Smit, looked awkward, and that was Levi's fault. Because Erwin Smith was normal and did normal things and Levi probably made him feel dumb like he had done something wrong but he _hadn't-_ he'd been _nice_ and _Levi had, made he feel stupid but Erwin Smith wasn't stupid, Levi was the one who was stupid and bad and can't do anything right and why do I even bother taking care of that scrawny child sometimes I wish I'd just sold him and get my money and get outta here_ _ **mom please no I'll be good I'll be good I'll be good!!!**_

“Hey-” A hand touched his shoulder. A heartwrenching sob escaped the frail boy before he kicked at the dirt and forced himself to tumble back a few steps. The sudden wave of guilt washed over him and made him disorientated. He was in an unfamiliar place, had no idea where to run. Mom wasn't there he wanted his mom and---

“Are you okay? D- do you want a glass of water or something?”

His double vision finally settled on two calm, blue eyes. His expression reminded him of the one Dok had had. It was a little sad, but it wasn't bad. It seemed nice.

“Y-yeah, I'm okay. Thanks, Erwin Smith.”

Erwin laughed, and once again Levi was scared that he'd done something bad, but the moment the taller boy noticed it, he tried to calm down. Keeping the serene smile on his lips, he explained, “You can call me Erwin. Smith is my surname. Or last name.”

Levi looked at the tall blonde incredulously. “How many names d'you gotta have to keep count like that?” Again, Erwin couldn't keep himself from laughing.

“Not that many, actually,” he chuckled. “I'll try to explain. For example, what is your name?”

“Levi.”

“I meant your full name.”

“Huh?”

“Levi is your first name, and then, you have your last name.”

“Na, I don't have any of those. Levi is my only name. I guess technically my first name, but I don't know if it'll be my last name. But mostly just my only name, or, my 'now name'?”

Eren looked stupified for a moment, hiding it behind a humorous grin, “So, what about your parents? What are their names?”

“I don't know my dad, so,” the raven thought intently, “But my mother's name is Kuchel. I don't know if that's her first name, or if she'll get a new one later.”

Erwin looked at the defiant little boy for a long time, unable to quite comprehend what they had just been talking about.

“Well, anyway. You can just call me Erwin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note to author's self: I was supposed to add something about how mandolins and violins are tuned the same way. I don't know how to play the violin, but I do actually know how to play the mandolin!


End file.
